What if the main source of poison in your life is you? We tend to look for toxic people around us, blaming them for our bad mood and exhaustion. But the most dangerous poison is the one that hides within and disguises itself as self-defense.
It often happens that we look for culprits around us. Those who poison the atmosphere in the team, spoil the mood in the family, or drain our energy. Sometimes, it’s not necessary to look outward, and the most insidious toxicity is the one that lives within us. The one we don’t notice because we view the world through the lens of our own innocence.
Today, together with psychologist Anna Sukhovaya, we will conduct an honest audit of our own behavior to find our weaknesses that silently destroy relationships and push people away.
1. Defensive Mode
Any criticism, even the softest and most constructive, is perceived as a personal insult and attack. Instead of hearing the essence, you immediately start looking for counterarguments or shifting blame: “You’re the same!” or “It’s your problem, that’s why you’re nitpicking.”
The psyche builds an impregnable fortress, behind the walls of which lies fragile self-esteem. You think you are protecting yourself, but from the outside, it looks like an unwillingness to hear the other and an inability to engage in dialogue.
Feeling the urge to snap back immediately, take a deep breath and ask yourself the question: “What specific information about me or my actions have I just received?” Separate the fact from the evaluation and take a pause. It reduces the intensity of the conflict and gives time for reflection.
2. Perceiving Others’ Emotions as Manipulation
Is someone nearby feeling sad? They are surely doing it to spite you, so you feel guilty. Is your partner angry because of work? This is clearly an attempt to take their anger out on you. You sincerely believe that all emotional reactions from those around you are planned actions aimed at controlling you. This position instantly destroys trust and intimacy because you stop seeing the other as a living person with their own inner world.
Instead of reading others’ minds and attributing cunning motives, ask: “I see that you’re upset. What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?” Your task is not to solve the other person’s problem but simply to acknowledge their right to feel.
3. Black-and-White Thinking
“I wasn’t invited to the meeting — that means I’m going to be fired soon.” “He didn’t respond to my message right away — our friendship is over.” Toxic people tend to exaggerate minor issues into catastrophes. This way of thinking creates an atmosphere of anxiety, making it difficult and uncomfortable for those around them.
As soon as you catch yourself having a negative thought, stop and look for three more realistic explanations for what happened. “I wasn’t invited because the meeting was on a topic outside my expertise; because my boss forgot; because I was busy at that time.” This returns flexibility and clarity to your thinking.
4. Difficulty Genuinely Being Happy for Others’ Success
Someone else’s joy disappoints instead of inspiring. Instead of a sincere “Congratulations!”, a wave of envy rises within: “Why not me? What makes them better?” Self-esteem feeds on comparison, and if someone is better, you automatically feel worse. This turns friends into rivals, and any interaction into a race for who is better.
Try consciously practicing kindness. Give a sincere compliment to a colleague who brilliantly defended a project. Express your joy for a friend. At first, this may be difficult, but gradually your brain will adjust, and you will feel how liberating it is.
5. Passive Aggression and Creating Guilt
Speaking directly about your needs and grievances is very painful for you. Instead, you use indirect methods: heavy sighs, meaningful silence, phrases like “Of course, go rest, I’ll handle everything here alone.” You hope that the other person will guess your feelings and correct their behavior, but in reality, you are just manipulating their sense of guilt.
Learn to speak directly, but gently. “I-statements” will be very helpful in this moment. You will talk about your feelings instead of blaming your partner. This removes the accusatory tone and shifts the conversation into a constructive direction.
Being a toxic person often means being a wounded, frightened individual who once learned to defend themselves from the world in this way. Recognizing these traits in yourself is a tremendous strength and a moment when you stop being a hostage to your own automatic reactions and become the author of your life.
Working on yourself is not about becoming convenient for others, but about building healthy relationships where you can be yourself without poisoning the space around you.
