To Maintain Emotional Background. A Psychologist Explained Why Women Start Arguments Without Apparent Reason 0 12

Arguments "just like that" are a manifestation of the childlike nature that remains in a woman: like a child who misbehaves to convey something. If she starts a quarrel, it means she wants to say something. If a woman feels depressed, she may create conflict out of nothing. The question is, why is she depressed? Depression arises from an unfulfilled need. There are only four basic needs that can lead to conflicts.

The first need: attention and recognition

In other words, a woman wants to hear that she is good. Sometimes she starts blaming the man for his behavior to assert herself against him and gain recognition of her worth. Although the man is unlikely to say this directly, the woman unconsciously hopes for such confirmation.

When a woman does not feel good and does not receive enough attention from a man, she cannot openly ask for it, for example: "Tell me you love me." Since she does not hear this, and it is difficult for her to hint to the man, she starts playing a game: "Don’t you notice anything? Don’t you see that something has changed?" However, the man really does not notice that she has a new hairstyle or that she bought a new vase. This is what causes the conflict. All she really wanted was for him to pay attention to her efforts so that she would feel loved, significant, and beautiful. When she does not receive this, she starts looking for cunning ways to get what she wants.

The man does not understand such games — he is more straightforward. If a woman learns to express her desires directly: "Buy me flowers, tell me I’m great, notice the new curtains," arguments can be avoided.

The problem is that the woman has her own script that she created: how she would like the man to react to her contribution to the relationship. But the man does not know this script — he has not read it, so he cannot play his part. The woman wants the man to understand her without words, and if he does not, she feels that he does not love her. This leads to even greater conflict: "If you don’t notice anything, then you don’t love me."

The second need: power

A woman strives for recognition of her opinion and respect in the household. She fights for her rights: "I also contributed to the renovation, etc." This struggle for power also leads to conflicts.

The third need: rest and relief from negative emotions

Often, pain predominates in these emotions. If a woman is hurting for any reason, she wants to free herself from that feeling, sometimes even to take revenge. If the man did something wrong, she may want to hurt him: "I felt bad, and now I will make you feel bad too. You were not a good husband, I will not be a good wife." Thus, the argument becomes a way to take revenge.

When these three needs are met for a woman, when there is no pain in the relationship and no need for revenge, arguments become unnecessary.

The fourth need: unwillingness to do something

In this situation, a woman may resort to complaints or whining to avoid fulfilling any duties. If she realizes her needs: attention, power, the desire to rest, or unwillingness to do something, she will be able to understand why she started the argument and what need she wanted to fulfill. This will lead to awareness, as this is her problem, not the man’s, and arguments do not improve the relationship.

If a woman does not know how to meet her needs otherwise, she will try to do it through the man — he should give gifts and say "I love you." However, it can be done differently: noticing love even if he does not say it, appreciating his actions, and saying: "How much you love me." This will help avoid conflicts.

The ability to independently fulfill one’s needs is something people learn. They learn to see what they already have and appreciate it. Close men give a lot, but a woman can be so hurt that it is beneficial for her to remain in this state. Resentment is a childish feeling; adults should not feel resentful.