Many parents believe they are raising their children differently than their own moms and dads. However, psychologists note that familiar phrases from childhood still resonate in modern families — and often subtly influence the child's development.
A psychologist explained which phrases reveal "collective farm methods" of upbringing in us. We bet you say them too?
Psychologists often criticize the parenting methods practiced by our mothers and grandmothers, claiming that they raised a "compliant" person rather than an individual.
Psychologist Elena Korneva refers to such upbringing on her channel as "collective farm methods," which are also found among today's young parents.
"Collective farm methods" can raise a resilient, unpretentious person accustomed to hard work. Their goal is to train a compliant executor. However, such methods are based on rigidity, suppression, and fear, rather than trust and understanding. They often break a child's initiative and personality, denying them the right to their own opinion and mistakes," the expert explains.
The psychologist provided 10 typical phrases that reveal "collective farm methods" of upbringing:
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"If you misbehave, you will become a janitor," "If you don’t study, you will be a bum" — such words, according to the expert, instill fear of the future.
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"Silence and do it," "Because I said so!" — phrases that teach blind obedience.
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"Look how good Masha is! And you?" "People will see how you behave" — these phrases are meant to evoke guilt and fear of others' opinions.
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"If you don’t finish your soup, you won’t get dessert." "If you behave well, I will buy you chocolate" — such manipulation with food creates eating disorders.
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"Don’t you dare scream/cry/get angry," "Go to the corner. Think about your behavior" — words that prohibit emotional expression.
However, many criticized the psychologist in the comments.
"With this approach, we are raising a generation of weaklings who think that everyone owes them something."
"People were taught to manage themselves, to self-regulate. And free individuals now are either depressed, on antidepressants, or drowning in tears, having hysterics like cars without brakes."
"If you don’t say this, an ill-mannered person grows up who doesn’t see the boundaries of what is permissible."
So are these "collective farm" phrases really that terrible, or do they help raise a well-mannered, disciplined person? We decided to get the opinion of another psychologist.
"Let’s immediately lower the tension. These phrases do not make you a bad parent, but they are indeed a remnant of the past, when the goal was to raise a compliant executor rather than a conscious individual," comments clinical psychologist Ksenia Solopanova to "Doctor Peter."
The main problem with such expressions is that they rely on external stimuli, such as fear, shame, or bribery, rather than understanding why it is important. Comparing with Masha or referring to "people who are watching" lays the foundation for a lifelong dependence on others' opinions and insecurity. The child learns to check not against their own values, but against whether others will judge them.
Words about janitors and bums do not work as motivation at all, as they are abstract scare tactics for the child, which over time only lead to distrust of adults' words. Or, for example, parents say to the child: "Do you want to work in a restaurant or eat in one?" — such a phrase is toxic, as it teaches contempt for others' work and is based on arrogance rather than a love of knowledge.
As for food, the phrase about soup and dessert is not fatal, but it turns lunch into a deal, where healthy food is a punishment, and sweets are a reward. This is a direct path to eating disorders. It’s better to use a natural sequence: "First our body gets energy from the main food, and then we delight it with dessert."
The most important point concerns the prohibition of emotions. Here lies the main mistake: allowing feelings does not mean allowing everything to be done. We teach the child: "I see you are angry, and you have the right to be, but you cannot hit others."
When we forbid screaming or crying, we do not teach control; we teach suppression. The child simply stores anger inside, and later this will manifest as psychosomatic issues or uncontrollable outbursts. Upbringing is not training through "silence and do it," but helping to understand one’s feelings and setting clear, honest boundaries.
Therefore, instead of authoritarian pressure, explain the meaning of your demands, and you will see that the child will find it much easier to cooperate with you without losing their "self." This is how mentally resilient people grow up, who know how to manage themselves, rather than simply fearing a reprimand.
Harsh and manipulative phrases do not make parents "bad," but they can hinder the formation of a confident and independent personality, believes the bb.lv editorial team. A more effective approach is not pressure and fear, but explanation, respect for the child's emotions, and clear boundaries that help raise a psychologically resilient person.
