When for the Second? Why Many Couples Hesitate to Have Another Child 0 9

Expert - Yulia Kulikova-Tsai, psychologist-consultant, child neuropsychologist.

When Fear is Stronger than Desire

“I delayed having a second child for a long time. The first one was very active, slept poorly, I burned out. And then I became scared — what if it all happens again?” - this is a typical phrase from parents who have one child. The first parenting experience can be not only joyful but also traumatic. The psyche remembers not only joy but also anxiety, fatigue, and loneliness. And when recovery is not complete, the thought of a new baby is perceived as a threat to survival. This is not selfishness — it is a protective mechanism.

Modern parents often set themselves too high a standard: to be “mindful,” “involved,” “eco-friendly.” But the higher the expectations, the more guilt and anxiety arise. “I won’t be able to give as much attention,” “the older one will suffer,” “I will lose myself again” — behind these thoughts lies not cold calculation, but a tired soul.

The Role of the First Child

Sometimes the decision is postponed due to the reaction of the older child. Parents fear provoking jealousy or feelings of unworthiness. But children are much more sensitive to the emotional state of adults than to their words. If mom and dad are calm and confident, the child quickly accepts the changes. The key is to speak honestly, not promising that everything will remain the same, but showing that love is not divided but grows.

The First Experience as an Internal Guide

The first child is a school of parenting. And if there was a lot of stress, lack of support, or postpartum depression, the brain remembers: “it was hard — don’t repeat it.” Therefore, it is important to rethink the past — not through accusations, but through acknowledgment: “I did the best I could back then.” This restores the sense of control and internal support.

When the Fear is Not About the Child but About Oneself

The decision to have a second, third, or fourth child is directly related to self-esteem and the sense of internal stability. A woman who is confident in herself perceives motherhood as a part of life, not as its end. A man who feels strong is not afraid of responsibility. But if there is a lack of support in the couple, anxiety hides behind a mask of logic: “we can’t handle it,” “it’s not the right time,” “we need to stabilize first.” In reality, it is not about money, but about the internal question of “can I be vulnerable again.”

Childhood Scenarios That Hinder Adults

Many adults carry childhood beliefs such as: “there is not enough love in a large family,” “I was a burden to my parents,” “there were too many of us.” And then the thought of a second child evokes internal protest. Working with a psychologist helps to separate past feelings from current reality and to stop fearing one’s own memories.

The Fear of Giving Birth to a Neurodivergent Child

A separate and very modern topic is the fear that the next child may be born with developmental differences. Over the past ten years, the number of registered cases of ASD (autism spectrum disorders) worldwide has increased several times. Diagnoses of ADHD and speech disorders have also risen.

If the first child was “difficult” — hyperactive, anxious, with speech delays — parents fear repetition. The lack of systematic support intensifies anxiety. Many men resort to denial, pretending that everything is “normal,” or withdraw from participation. For the mother, this turns into double stress — coping with the child’s differences and with loneliness.

However, more and more families are sharing stories of successful adaptation of neurodivergent children. Early diagnosis, inclusion, and community support show that “different” does not mean “worse.” The main thing is not to remain alone with anxiety and to seek help, not blame.

When It’s Not the Children — But Society That Is Not Ready

In many countries, there is infrastructure for postpartum support and parental leave for both parents. In other countries, this burden primarily falls on women, which naturally affects the family’s readiness for new children. The issue is not about values, but about resources — time, health, support, and a sense of security.

Voluntary Childlessness and Mature Choices

Modern society is increasingly ceasing to measure success by the number of children. Childlessness or the decision to limit oneself to one child is increasingly seen as a manifestation of maturity rather than selfishness. People choose not what they “should,” but what they “want.” This is not a rejection of family, but a striving for internal honesty.

How to Overcome Doubts

• Separate fears from facts: what are you really afraid of — fatigue, loneliness, repetition?

• Discuss expectations with your partner — shared responsibility reduces anxiety.

• Remember what parenting has given you — not only anxiety but also joy, closeness, love.

And give yourself permission to pause. Sometimes “no” today simply means “not yet the right time.”

Instead of an Epilogue

Having a second child is not arithmetic and not a report. It is not a plan and not a debt to society. It is an act of trust in oneself and in life. When the decision to give birth comes not from fear but from an internal “yes,” it becomes not a sacrifice but a continuation of love. Psychologists increasingly call this not a crisis but maturity — the moment when a person stops running and first feels the ground beneath their feet.