It may seem that it is not necessary to be able to talk openly about sex. But the lack of such a skill can lead to unpleasant consequences. Those who lack this skill find it difficult to discuss their preferences with their partner, address intimate issues, which can lead to resentment, misunderstandings, and the emergence of distance in relationships. This material explores what may hinder conversations about sex and how to overcome it.
Guilt and Shame
Unfortunately, many people experience feelings of guilt and shame when talking about sex. This topic seems delicate and awkward, causing embarrassment. It can also be accompanied by a fear of judgment, criticism, and rejection.
Often, this is a consequence of a lack of sexual education, where parents did not discuss the topic of sex with their child and presented it as something dirty and wrong.
We discussed how to cope with feelings of guilt in this material. It is important to start talking about sex with your partner, even if it feels like you are burning with shame and bringing up too personal a topic. It is also worth practicing self-compassion: it helps to get rid of negative emotions, accept yourself, and understand that there is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions and needs.
Reluctance to Appear Ignorant
Not everyone finds it easy to admit that they don’t know something, so they don’t want to appear ignorant in the eyes of others. This causes particular embarrassment when it comes to sex.
It is important to remember that it is impossible to know absolutely everything. It is perfectly normal to be a novice in some matters, and there is no need to be ashamed of it. After all, talking about anything, including sex, helps you grow and learn new things, as well as understand what is acceptable for you and what is not. By asking questions and figuring out your partner’s preferences, you show curiosity, and a person who is interested in something cannot be called stupid or ignorant.
Not Knowing How to Start the Conversation
Some people would be open to talking to their partner about sex, but they find it difficult to do so because they don’t know how to start the conversation. Vanessa Marin, author of the book "Talking About Sex: Five Conversations That Will Change Your Love Life," recommends:
The first thing to determine before starting a conversation is your intentions. Tell yourself: "I want to talk about this because I love my partner and consider this topic important." This will help you relax and relieve nervous tension. You can start the conversation like this: "I think it’s important to discuss sex from time to time, so I want to talk about it with you."
Also, according to Marin, it is necessary to conduct the dialogue calmly and measuredly, not to avoid tactile contact if it is comfortable for you and your partner. Additionally, it is best to discuss one problem or topic per conversation — this will make it easier to get used to talking about intimacy.
Fear of Rejection
It can be difficult to express your feelings or bring up a certain topic of conversation due to the fear that your partner will reject you, criticize you, or not take your words seriously. This fear often leads to silence about your needs or postponing discussions about sex.
You should not be afraid to appear vulnerable in the eyes of your loved one — this actually strengthens trust and closeness between people. Face your fear and start the conversation. You can express your feelings in advance and ask your partner to share their thoughts gently.
And if you are still afraid to start the conversation yourself, communicate your intention through a note or message. Write: "I would like to talk to you about sex, but I don’t know how to start the conversation. I would like you to take the initiative." After reading your message, your partner will be prepared for the fact that you want to talk to them and will be able to think about how to approach the conversation delicately.
Negative Experience
Another factor that makes talking about sex a challenging task is negative experience. Sometimes a person has tried to bring up this topic with an ex-partner, but their attempts ended unsuccessfully. For example, they faced criticism, mockery, or gaslighting.
It is important to remember that each person is unique, so your new partner may not react the same way as your ex. Give them a chance to show themselves as a mature, understanding, and open person willing to talk. Try to focus on the positive, remember why you love and appreciate the person next to you. Don’t let your past limit and stop you from important beginnings.
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