"I’m not doing it out of malice": 10 favorite phrases of hidden narcissists 0 5

Expert - Olga Morozova, psychologist

A hidden narcissist is not always toxic in the usual sense, writes marieclaire. They can be soft, polite, even caring — but their main goal remains the same: to maintain power and receive emotional fuel. If after communicating with someone you feel guilt, fatigue, or a desire to justify yourself — perhaps you are dealing with this type. The main thing is not to try to convince or prove otherwise.

How to recognize a hidden narcissist? Here are 10 phrases that often give them away:

"I just wanted to help you..."

At first glance — it sounds noble. But underneath is a demonstration of power: "I know better than you what you need." This phrase deprives the other person of autonomy, making them feel guilty for not appreciating the "care." Thus, the hidden narcissist positions themselves as a savior and mentor. And if you suddenly resist, they are surprised: "I’m doing this with the best intentions!"

"You’re overreacting/You always make a mountain out of a molehill"

A classic devaluation phrase. Its purpose is to make you doubt your own feelings and sensations. The narcissist cannot handle other people's emotions, especially negative ones, so they turn them into exclusively "your problem." Over time, you begin to question whether it was really worth being upset, and more often choose to remain silent to avoid being "too sensitive."

"Well, I’m not doing it out of malice..."

A cunning way to shift responsibility off themselves. After such words, it seems impossible to be angry — after all, the person admits they didn’t want to cause pain. But the essence is that their "not out of malice" is repeated time and again, and pain is still inflicted. Genuine remorse should be followed by a change in behavior, but in the case of a narcissist, this never happens.

"You misunderstood me"

This is not an explanation, but a form of control. You are not given the right to your own interpretation and are made to doubt your own adequacy. The hidden narcissist masterfully uses gaslighting — they distort facts so that you feel guilty even when you simply set your boundaries.

"Everyone thinks so, not just me"

Manipulation through the pressure of "the majority's opinion." The goal is to induce shame or submission in you: "If everyone thinks so, then something must be wrong with me." In reality, there is no "everyone"; it’s just a way to give weight to their words.

"I’ve done so much for you"

A phrase the narcissist utters when they feel threatened — for example, when you stop obeying, agreeing with, or admiring them. This is not just a reminder, but a way to evoke guilt in you and regain control. After this phrase, by the way, it usually follows: "...And you don’t even appreciate it!" And there you are again feeling the need to justify yourself.

"Without me, you wouldn’t have succeeded at all"

One of the most painful tactics in the manipulator's arsenal. With this, the hidden narcissist appropriates your successes so that you lose your inner support. This creates dependence: you are made to believe that without them, you are helpless. And the more you believe it, the more your self-esteem and self-belief suffer.

"You disappointed me again"

Constructive criticism? Of course not. The phrase "You disappointed me again" sounds not like a reproach, but like a real sentence. Instead of specifics — an evaluation of your personality. This creates constant tension: you try not to "let them down," adapt, lose yourself, just to avoid hearing again that you have become a source of disappointment for your precious narcissist.

"I don’t understand what you’re talking about"

A form of passive aggression disguised as misunderstanding. By refusing to acknowledge the obvious, the narcissist avoids responsibility and forces you to explain and justify yourself again.

"I just want you to be happy"

It sounds sweet, but often behind this lies a desire for control. The hidden narcissist does not force you, but seems to just guide you — "in their own way." They interfere in your decisions and choices under the guise of care. As a result, you stop distinguishing where your free will ends and where their "care" begins.

Narcissist tactics

How do they become narcissists?

Often, a narcissist is a man who is not separated from his mother. The place of a wife is always occupied. Even if he gets married, the wife only plays the role of a mistress — after all, you don’t sleep with your mother, and thus a mistress is needed. Sometimes such men are not even aware of their grievances against their mother. Or, conversely, they do not communicate with her, yet are still emotionally tied.

They might say: "My mom is the best woman in the world." They dedicate their victories to her, give her property, share what in healthy relationships they would share with their wives. In such a pair, the mother is a caring nanny, seemingly soft, but behind this care often lies suppressed aggression towards the son’s wife.

The role of the man in these relationships is that of a victim. The role of the mother is that of an aggressor. The wife is left with only one possible position — that of a savior.

The wife will forgive everything, turn a blind eye, and try to earn love. Having children — as if for her husband’s mother, not for herself. And then the grandmother becomes not a grandmother for the grandchildren, but… a second mother, because she is emotionally "married" to their father. Thus, the classic Karpman triangle closes.

Now let’s see what happens when a narcissist does create a family.

He is the aggressor, the wife is the victim, and the child becomes the savior. The savior is ready to sacrifice themselves, literally — their health or even their life. Sometimes this manifests through illnesses, injuries, accidents — all unconsciously, to "save mom" and bring the father back to where he is used to: to mom.

The wife in such a marriage feels emptiness, dissatisfaction, emotional burnout. She feels that she is needed only to fulfill marital duties. Her body reacts: psychosomatics, depression, mood swings.

And for the narcissist… it’s convenient. Convenient not to go to therapy, not to change anything.

The role of the aggressor protects their body from diseases — after all, the internal tension spills out onto those close to them. But it is those who are nearby who suffer. Those who love, those who endure. To break this vicious circle, it is important not to look for blame, but to see the roles.

As long as the man does not realize that he is "married to his mother," no woman can become a true partner for him. And a woman — if she recognizes herself in the role of a savior — must understand: there is no need to save anyone. It’s just necessary to stop burning for someone else’s warmth.