Vacation is a time for rebooting. People leave to relax and restore their life forces. But sometimes you pack your suitcase, and suddenly mom packs hers too, without asking if you want to go together. She sincerely wants to be with you, but are you ready for 24/7 proximity with her like in childhood? Where is the line between care and invasion of personal space? Psychologist Svetlana Voropaeva tells us.
Why We Need a Break
The human psyche operates on the principle of tension-relaxation, which is why rest is important. After rest, clear thoughts emerge, previously acquired experiences are integrated, and energy for new "tension" arises, enabling achievements.
"When rest is combined with a trip, in addition to rebooting the psyche and restoring the body's resources, there is an opportunity to be nourished by novelty, which provides a foundation for the development and renewal of familiar life scenarios. So does mom fit into the new scenario? Should I take her with me?" explains our expert.
The Difference Between "Need" and "Want"
There is a cunningness in the word "need." One might want to ask: "needed by whom?" Svetlana: "First of all, you need to replace the word 'need' with 'want' and ask yourself again: 'Do I want to take my mom with me on the trip?'. If the answer is 'no', then it doesn't matter why. It's more important to understand how to talk to mom so that she accepts her daughter's choice and doesn't get offended."
How to Properly Say "No"
It would be a mistake to tell mom why she shouldn't go with you. Subconsciously, she will feel that her daughter is deciding for her, and after all, "a hen doesn't teach eggs." Psychologist: "Keep the focus on why you specifically want to go alone, and talk about your personal needs for silence and solitude without moralizing and giving advice."
If you generally enjoy spending time with your mom, but not this time, offer her an alternative option when you can still go on vacation together. You could suggest stopping by after the trip with souvenirs and sweets and promise not to rush anywhere for the whole evening.
A Clear "No" as a Sign of Beginning Separation
When the answer "no" is related to the fact that mom is bad company for relaxation, but you repeatedly go together — the problem is deeper. This is an unfinished process of separation of the adult daughter from the parent. No matter what words are chosen, the conversation will be unpleasant and, most likely, not the only one. "Renegotiating the rules of the game requires a lot of energy and clear realizations of how you want things to be different. You need to come to an agreement with yourself about the price of changes, which you will pay in any case, changing familiar life scenarios," the specialist explains.
Perhaps your first solo trip will mark the beginning of a difficult separation process that ideally everyone should go through during their maturation stages.
If Mom Doesn't Understand the Word "No"
If mom completely doesn't hear you and still wants to go, gets offended, and appeals to your sense of guilt — this is the most challenging scenario. But there is a way out here too. Svetlana: "Try not to engage in a discussion that doesn't exist. There are manipulations. Focus on your own feelings and ask yourself questions:
- Is it easier for you to give in to mom or to hold your position of 'I'm going alone'?
- Will you relax with mom or will the vacation be ruined?
- Right now, will it be emotionally cheaper for you to go with mom or can you say a firm 'no' to ensure you truly relax?
There is no right or wrong decision here. There is a choice that will lead to the least losses in this situation.
Sometimes "No" Means "Yes"
If the answer to the question 'Do I want to take mom on the trip?' after some reflection turns into 'yes', then go with mom. "Sometimes 'I want to be alone' equals 'leave me alone, I'm tired', or better yet 'pick me up', but it's embarrassing to admit. And at that moment, mom is indeed a good companion. Adulthood is not just about 'I can do it all myself', but also about the ability to accept support when needed and organize your leisure the way you need it," explains the psychologist.
It is a great joy if an adult daughter has warm and friendly relations with her mom, making it possible to go on a joint vacation. And if you can agree that 'we'll meet for dinner since you want to go to the beach and I want to go to the pool' — then it's pure happiness.
Leave a comment