Common sense suggests that emotional pain should hinder the enjoyment of physical intimacy. However, psychological research shows that sexual satisfaction and emotional attachment are two different aspects of relationships that are not necessarily interconnected.
You say, “The sex is just incredible!” His touch, the feelings experienced… It seems like it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t respond to your messages for days or forgets your birthday. You convince yourself that this connection is something more than just chemistry; it’s real, there’s something in it that you’ve never felt before. But deep down, you know that sex is the only thing keeping you in a toxic relationship.
Sometimes two people can have great "chemistry" but terrible compatibility. Over time, sex may start to feel more like an obsession or addiction rather than a natural part of a healthy relationship. And you convince yourself to stay in these toxic relationships because the sex is just amazing.
Why Does Sex in Toxic Relationships Feel So Good?
Anyone who has been in a toxic relationship knows about the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies such relationships. Due to breakups or arguments, the partner’s affection is not taken for granted, so sex becomes a surprise that brings immense pleasure.
Another reason sex may feel so pleasurable in toxic relationships is its unpredictability — you never know when your partner will be willing to give you any attention — physical or emotional.
It’s also possible that you feel emotional closeness with this person only during intimacy. Perhaps in everyday life, you don’t receive the love you want from him, so sex seems like a great way to get the affirmation you’ve been missing.
The reason intense sexual experiences can persist in unhealthy relationships lies in the brain's physiology. During intimacy, powerful neurotransmitters — serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins — are released. These substances create feelings of euphoria, happiness, and satisfaction, masking any unpleasant thoughts and problems in everyday life. As a result, a person focuses solely on the pleasant moments, ignoring the negative consequences of what’s happening around them.
Thus, physical contact creates a sort of "narcotic" effect that allows one to forget all the bad and enjoy instant happiness. The greater the conflict and tension in the relationship, the more intense the periods of reconciliation and restored intimacy are experienced.
The most important thing is to realize that you are not actually having the best sex of your life. The toxicity of the relationship simply makes it seem more vibrant against the backdrop of constant tension and anxiety. Constant anxiety, uncertainty, and stress create heightened sensitivity in the nervous system. After prolonged periods of estrangement and conflict, moments of intimacy become so desirable and pleasurable that they are perceived as a true gift from fate. This phenomenon is akin to "rain in a drought": only against the backdrop of overall dissatisfaction can one experience true bliss.
Psychologists refer to this as the compensation effect. For example, constant bickering and criticism sharply increase the significance of moments of genuine care and tenderness. By physically getting close to a partner, a person receives a powerful boost of positivity that allows them to forget about general disagreements and conflicts.
The Deceptive Perception of Intimacy
Often, people mistakenly associate quality sex with the presence of a true deep connection. Vivid physical sensations can create a false impression of unity and understanding that doesn’t actually exist. Intimate closeness can fill the void of a lack of real feelings and genuine trust. Many remain in painful relationships precisely because of the fear of losing such an important feeling of closeness and connection, even if it is temporary and illusory.
From this, a kind of dependency forms: by continuing to experience deep sexual feelings, a person remains in relationships that destroy their emotional health and self-esteem. This pattern is vividly manifested in the stories of victims of domestic violence who justify poor treatment with good physical contact.
What to Do If Sex Keeps You in Toxic Relationships?
Good sex in dangerous relationships cannot be considered a guarantee of a strong union. It’s important to see the bigger picture, consider the risks, and understand the true nature of your experiences. Here are some recommendations:
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Recognize the difference between the chemical effects of hormones and true deep feelings.
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Don’t let fleeting joys overshadow the serious shortcomings and problems in your relationship.
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Assess your future realistically, considering long-term prospects and personal goals.
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Seek support from loved ones or mental health professionals to sort out your feelings and motivations.
