He calls you family but doesn’t propose. A quiet question that lives inside for years, and its cause lies not only in him but also in you.
You’ve been dating for three, five, seven years. You share a mortgage, raise a dog, brew coffee together in the mornings, and visit his parents for holidays. Friends and colleagues consider you a family. From the outside, it looks like an ideal relationship. But inside you lives a quiet, nagging question: “Why hasn’t he proposed?”.
We explore why a man doesn’t propose and what to do about it with psychologist Maria Makarenko.
This is one of the most painful topics in relationships. A woman carries this question within her for years, afraid to ask it, while a man often just lives, not seeing the problem. This is where the first and main chasm of misunderstanding lies.
For a woman, marriage is a transition. A ritual, a white dress, rings, a new level of commitment, and a status that shouts to the world: “We are a family!”. It’s a move upward, towards a better, more secure, and recognized life.
For many men, marriage is not a transition but a burden. An additional responsibility that they are unsure they want to bear. Questions like “Will I manage?”, “Will I be a good husband and father?”, “How will this affect my career and freedom?” become a mental burden that is easier to postpone. If for her marriage is synonymous with “better,” for him it may be synonymous with “heavier.”
Comfort Zone, or Hidden Contract
Now, let’s look at the relationship from the perspective of behavioral psychology. Any system strives for homeostasis — equilibrium. Your union is already a stable system. It has everything: sex, daily life, emotional support, shared leisure. Why change anything?
Living together for a man often means “all the benefits without the extra responsibility.” He can (hypothetically) pack his bags and leave tomorrow. Marriage, however, is a risk, a disruption of the comfortable status quo. Why fix what isn’t broken?
Fears That Control Us
Psychologist Maria Makarenko notes that fear exists on both sides, but it is different.
“Her fear is the direct question. ‘What if he says no?’ This fear of rejection paralyzes her, making her silent for years and waiting for the right moment, which never comes. His fear often involves negative scenarios ingrained since childhood. Boys are taught from a young age: ‘Look, don’t marry too early, enjoy your freedom!’ ‘Marriage is the end of a free life.’ He may have seen his parents' unhappy marriage or heard stories from friends about how ‘the wife won’t let you out of the house.’ These beliefs, like a background program, influence his decision: ‘Don’t marry — and you’ll stay free,’” the psychologist explains.
The Ideal Partner and the Perfect Moment That Don’t Exist
Another common case is male perfectionism. “I’ll get married when I buy an apartment,” “When I reach career heights,” “When I find the perfect woman.”
“This is a trap. There will be no perfect moment, just as there will be no perfect partner. Relationships are always work and a choice here and now. And while he waits for the ideal, he simply ‘lives comfortably’ with the one he has,” emphasizes Maria.
This also includes ordinary immaturity. Readiness for marriage does not depend on age. Some people at 25 consciously lead their girlfriend to the altar, while others at 45 prefer the lifestyle of an ‘eternal party-goer,’ unwilling to make adult decisions.
So What to Do? Talk!
If marriage is a goal for you, not an abstract dream, you need to talk about it. Openly, without ultimatums, but clearly.
How?
For me, it is very important to wear a wedding dress once and officially become a family. I’m not demanding this right now, but I want to understand that our relationship is moving in that direction.
Such a conversation is not a quarrel but a diagnosis. It allows you to understand what the man fears, what his plans are for you, and whether he sees you in his future.
You may learn about his fears and be able to discuss them together. Or perhaps (and this is a bitter truth), it will turn out that he never intended to marry you in the first place.
How long are you willing to wait? A year? Two? Five? Decide this for yourself. Your time is the most valuable and non-renewable resource. Waiting for years in the hope that he will “mature” means voluntarily handing your life over to someone else’s indecision.
An open and timely conversation about marriage helps clarify the relationship. It either provides clarity and a path to starting a family or understanding that the partner does not share your goals.
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