Most people have been in relationships at least once where the lasting impression was not gratitude for the experience, but emptiness. It is not the romantic moments that come to mind, but anxious conversations, the feeling that something is wrong, and the constant struggle for attention. This could be a story about a person who once seemed perfect but over time robbed you of your self-confidence, or about a relationship where you gave more than you received, and at some point began to lose yourself.
This is not necessarily about classic manifestations of toxicity: jealousy, infidelity, or hyper-control — what hurts the most is something deeper.
When the feeling of significance disappears
Family therapist Tasha Saiter, whose column was published by Psychology Today, believes that in all destructive scenarios, there is one common denominator — the loss of the feeling that you matter to someone. In healthy relationships, a person feels safe: they are heard, respected, and noticed, and this is manifested in the simplest gestures — when a partner asks how your day went, when they support you in difficult times, when they do not devalue your feelings.
But if these signs disappear or were never part of the communication, the subconscious perceives this as a danger. We are wired in such a way that the absence of emotional response is read as a threat to survival, triggering the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. A person begins to defend themselves: some through conflict and aggression, others through silence and detachment.
And, paradoxically, it all speaks to one thing — a deep need to be close and to be noticed.
Why conflicts do not cease
Over time, the dynamics turn into a vicious circle: the more intense the pain, the more frequently scenes of alienation repeat — accusations, unspoken words, and disappointment. Arguments start to seem the same, as if you are discussing the same thing over and over again, even though the topics may be completely mundane (expenses, cleaning, alone time), but the real reason is almost always deeper.
At the center of any conflict lies the desire to be heard and accepted: even when partners are shouting at each other, they are actually longing for recognition. And as long as these words are not articulated directly, the relationship will follow a destructive scenario where each becomes both hurt and accusatory.
How to break out of this cycle
To change the pattern, it is important to notice the most crucial thing: behind any irritability or detachment lie unmet needs. Saiter advises starting with something simple: acknowledging that you are hurt and scared, and not projecting this onto the other. Instead of phrases like "you never listen to me," try saying "I feel distant and want to understand that I matter to you." This changes the tone of the conversation and creates space for closeness rather than defensiveness.
Yes, speaking this way is unfamiliar and scary, especially if in past relationships vulnerability came at a cost. But it is through honesty (even if imperfect) that true mutual understanding is born. Sometimes therapy can help along the way, providing tools for dialogue and teaching one to be not only open but also a patient listener.
True care — not loud words
When a person next to you truly cares, they not only speak of love but also show it through actions. And if you regularly doubt whether there is a place for you in someone else's heart, perhaps the reason is that it is indeed empty. Respect, warmth, and attention should not be forced: in a healthy union, they come as a matter of course.
Sometimes, a single acknowledgment is enough: it can break the ice of silence and initiate healing. Because the main characteristic of unhealthy relationships is not jealousy or manipulation, but indifference.
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