Relationships with friends, like with men, should bring positive emotions, not leave you feeling drained. It is believed that otherwise, it is better to stop communicating. But what if the person is essentially good, and you have known them since school? And in general, maybe you just thought that the friendship was starting to turn into a sad semblance, and you need to temporarily stop meeting and calling, take a break? Psychologist Veronika Akhmetova explained how to distinguish toxic friendships from normal, emotionally uplifting ones.
“First of all, it is important to note that toxicity is not always open confrontation. It resembles soft manipulation, a slow poison that is not on the surface, which undermines you, your self-esteem, your emotional and physical strength,” says the expert. Here are some implicit yet telling signs of toxicity.
Whines or Blames
Instead of feeling fulfilled after a meeting, you feel that your energy has been drained. All conversations revolve around, say, her problems or accusations that something in your life is wrong, and that you are not learning anything, and so on. Your friend is either a victim or a drama queen. Or her speech often contains notes of envy and moralizing. “That is, I am, of course, happy for you, but everything is completely different for me. And if you were, say, a true friend and close to me, you would probably have noticed that it’s not worth being so actively happy while I’m feeling so bad,” warns Veronika Akhmetova.
Manipulates and Schemes
Friendship is meant to share opinions on various matters without fear of being criticized or ridiculed. If you constantly fear expressing yourself or sharing a problem, expecting only sarcasm, coldness, or reproaches in return, that is already a red flag.
Talks Behind Your Back
It is no coincidence that people say if someone discusses others with you in a negative light, the next target of their sharp words (but behind your back) will be you. There can be no talk of trust with such a friend. As soon as you let slip something extra about your family, a couple of extra pounds gained, it will become public knowledge, and even in an embellished form.
Cut Off Communication or Accept It?
What to do if you have long noticed the above alarming signs in your friend? There is, of course, the option to cut off communication, severing all ties. Sometimes this is indeed a way out. Toxic people need to be eliminated for the sake of your own mental health. But what if it’s not that critical? Here, it is worth acting more thoughtfully. You will need to establish healthy personal boundaries, reducing your communication online and offline to a level that is comfortable for you.
“Learn to say ‘no.’ You are not obligated to rush to her aid at the first call if she needs something. Limit the time of communication if possible. For example, you meet with her for no more than two hours at a time,” advises Veronika Akhmetova.
The expert recommends stopping playing the role of a ‘sounding board’ if your friend wants to whine and vent negativity again. Try to be the leader, not the follower, in this friendship. If the topic of conversation makes you uncomfortable, change it, explain that you do not like discussing such matters. And from now on, ask her not to bring them up. If your acquaintance does not compromise and intends to continue pressuring you with her authority, draining you of all your energy, the best thing is to consider distance.
You can refuse meetings and phone calls, limiting communication to brief messaging. Respond tersely, without excessive emotions, and do not be provoked.
“This is very important when your psycho-emotional health is at stake, when it starts to affect your relationships with other people, with family, with your husband, with children, when your personal boundaries are severely violated, your dignity is humiliated, and so on,” concludes the psychologist.
