Maturity does not come with a passport. Some have their own decisions and responsibilities by the age of sixteen, while others have the habit of checking with mom until they have gray hair on any issue: from choosing a shirt to approving relationships.
The basis of dependence on a mother is usually not laziness, but a complex interplay of many factors: anxious attachment, parental overprotection, family scenarios of "I know better," economic dependence, and fear of making mistakes. This combination hinders adult autonomy and affects the couple: the partner faces an invisible third party in every decision, while the man gets stuck between loyalty to his family and his own life. Psychologist Radmila Bakirova explained how to break this vicious circle if this clearly applies to you, and growing your zen to the ceiling on your own just isn’t working.
Why This Happens
Most often, the reasons are hidden deep in childhood. The child was rarely allowed to try and make mistakes, adults quickly did things for him, and he was considered good when he met expectations. "In adolescence, feelings of guilt and emotional payment for independence were added: if he insists on his own, mom gets upset, gets sick, or goes silent. Later, economics came into play: education, housing, and initial support solidified dependence. The result is that the adult man knows what is right for mom but struggles to feel what is right for himself. This is not about a bad character; it’s about unestablished psychological and domestic boundaries," the expert explains.
Why This Is Dangerous for Relationships
Decisions are prolonged, and intimacy is replaced by a family council where everyone is on edge. Chronic tension arises, role conflicts emerge, desire decreases, and sometimes there are triangles of him — mom — partner, where everyone fights for influence. In such a structure, there is a lack of responsibility and clear agreements, and the couple lives in a mode of endless and exhausting negotiations about basic things. The solution is to shift the topic from personal grievances to the realm of adult skills: autonomy, finances, household, boundaries, communication.
Separate Facts from Interpretations
Start the conversation not with accusations but with descriptions of observations. Instead of saying, "you’re a mama's boy," say, "I noticed that important decisions are coordinated with your mom, and my arguments go unheard; I’m worried about our future." Facts lower defenses. "Next, formulate the goal: 'I want us to have our own decisions and your personal boundaries with your parents.' When the goal is clear, it’s easier to discuss steps. A useful tool is a list of areas that the couple takes on completely: budget, repairs, vacations. Everything else can only be discussed as a reference, not as a directive," emphasizes the psychologist.
Agree on Boundaries and Communication Channels
Boundaries are not a ban on communication but rules of access. For example, mom does not have keys to the apartment, call times are limited, and personal topics of the couple are not discussed with third parties without the consent of both. It is important for the man to communicate the boundaries to mom — if the partner takes on the role of "regulator," she becomes the "bad one" in the family system, and he remains in a childlike position.
Transform "Guilt" into "Care" and Discuss Roles
Often, a man is afraid of hurting his mom, and here a shift in framing helps. Instead of making decisions for him, there should be care within agreed boundaries in response to a request for specific help when it is genuinely needed. It’s important to name the new role out loud: "I am grateful for the support; I am now building my own family, I will be there as a son, but we make decisions about our life ourselves." This clarity reduces mom’s anxiety and returns the man to an adult position.
What Definitely Doesn’t Work
Clashes with his mom, ultimatums of "me or them," mockery, sarcasm. These moves strengthen the bond of "mom — son" and marginalize the partner. Only a union within the couple and careful, yet consistent communication with parents work. Ultimately, only time plus agreed-upon rules and strict adherence to them yield results.
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