Today, even teenagers and preschoolers know their right to maintain personal boundaries and can competently defend it. However, adults, who should be more experienced in these matters, sometimes cannot protect themselves from intruding strangers, and sometimes even from family members. Psychologist Veronika Akhmetova explained how to deter know-it-all advisors, not succumb to others' opinions, and stay true to oneself.
“It’s no secret that people generally behave the way we allow them to behave with us. It all comes down to personal boundaries. In order for a person not to intrude into your life and violate those boundaries, you need to learn to defend and protect them,” reminds the expert.
The Ability to Say a Firm “No”
If you are having problems on a personal front, with finances, or in relationships with children, and a colleague or an old acquaintance is trying to pry into details and express their “expert” opinion, it’s best to stop such attempts right away. “Politely, courteously, and not necessarily rudely, you can always tell a person that no, I’m not ready to talk about this right now. Or I’m sorry, I don’t have time to discuss this right now. It can be any way to say no,” explains the psychologist.
Advisors – On the Sidelines
People love to give advice based on their own experiences or what they’ve read in smart self-help books. It’s one thing when you’ve asked for an evaluation of a situation or your new hairstyle, and quite another when the interlocutor feels the need to lecture you on life, criticize, or judge. “You can literally say that if I need advice, I will definitely ask you, thank you. Or you can say that you didn’t come for advice, but just to talk,” continues Veronika Akhmetova.
It’s important to be able to gently push a nagging interlocutor to a certain distance that is comfortable for you. So that they understand that their moralizing and questions are inappropriate at the moment.
Parents – A Separate Story
To moms and dads, we always remain children, even in adulthood. In some ways, we seem unreasonable, naive, and in need of good advice. Sometimes we really do need parental support. But what to do if family members feel entitled to lecture you on any subject, considering it their right and even duty? Sometimes they instill in us that we are raising our own children incorrectly, making mistakes in marriage, mismanaging money, and so on… Here, it’s important to maintain subordination, never be rude, and not leave with a dramatic door slam.
“There’s always the option to say: ‘Mom or Dad, thank you very much for the recommendation, I will definitely think about it later.’ This way, you let them know that you hear them, that you love them, you are grateful to them, and at the same time, you push this topic off for an indefinite period. Explain that you will decide to talk later when you have the time, opportunity, and resources,” emphasizes the expert.
When to Be as Firm as Possible
If the advisor is a stranger to you, rude, unpleasant, and considers themselves an expert in all areas, act more firmly. Just say: “I do not need your (your) opinion; I am not interested in it. If I want to ask someone for advice, it definitely won’t be you.”
“Don’t be afraid to put such people in their place. The problem is that the softer and more politely you try to establish your boundaries, the more aggressively another person may intrude into them. They understand that your sense of tact and upbringing prevent you from giving a firm rebuttal, and therefore will push even harder. And, unfortunately, with such people, a similarly rough communication works in some sense, harsh, unyielding. At the same time, there’s no need to get personal or resort to rudeness. Just stand your ground,” concludes Akhmetova.
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