There is an uncomfortable but not so well-known fact: many men still get cautious if intimacy occurs on the day of the first meeting. Not because "sex is bad," but due to a set of outdated scripts and personal fears. A double standard operates: "active man — good, active woman — somewhat suspicious." Plus, there are distortions in perception — if everything happens too quickly, some may think that she behaves this way with everyone indiscriminately, making it harder to trust.
Let's add anxious or avoidant attachment: some need closeness as something self-evident, while others are frightened by intimacy and devalue women to maintain distance. And then there is the simple inexperience in discussing boundaries: it is easier to label than to articulate expectations and responsibilities. Sexologist Olga Vasilenko explained what this means for sex on the first date and how to behave correctly.
It's Not That Bad
With full respect for all the reasons mentioned, it is important to understand the other side as well. Quick sex does not make a person "unreliable" or wrong. It signifies a lot: temperament, level of affection, horoscope — but it never predetermines the outcome of a relationship. "Quick sex essentially only increases uncertainty: you still know little about each other, you haven't noticed how a person behaves in everyday life, in arguments, or under stress. Therefore, some men interpret a quick transition to the horizontal plane as a red flag regarding your unpredictability and the situation as a whole. This is not about morality, but about risk management and personal anxieties. The working strategy is not to prove, 'I'm not like that,' but to choose a pace that feels comfortable for both and to articulate the rules of the game in words," says the relationship specialist.
When to Agree — and When It's Better to Wait
It's better when there is clarity of mind and intentions. You understand what you want from this person (a relationship, a romance without plans, exploring sexual compatibility), you can articulate it, and you hear the response. There is basic safety: condoms at hand, sober state, agreement on contraception, clear yeses and noes regarding sexual practices and personal boundaries.
You are not filling a void of loneliness, not getting back at an ex, not saving a boring evening — because then sex becomes a tool, not intimacy, and almost always brings unnecessary feelings of guilt. "It's worth waiting if you feel anxious inside, if your partner is rushing and ignoring your 'stop,' if there is no way to ensure safety and privacy, if you already feel pressure and the need to prove something. Good relationships can withstand a pause; bad ones will fall apart even without sex," says the sexologist.
Look for Markers of Respect
Reliability is usually evident even before bed (and instead of it): a person arrives on time, warns about rescheduling, does not pressure, can adequately respond to criticism or your bad mood, is interested in your comfort, takes responsibility for their actions, and does not make humiliating jokes. If there is no basic respect, quick sex rarely ends well — postpone it in this case. And generally, think about whether you need such a person.
Separate Sex and Promises
Intimacy is intimacy, not a ticket to "default relationships." If exclusivity is needed — articulate this beforehand, rather than hoping to sort it out later. If you just want good sex — say that too. With clarity, there are fewer reasons for distrust and devaluation. If in doubt — choose to pause. This is not a game of "keep your distance," it is self-care. The one who is interested in you as a person will not disappear just because you didn't jump into bed right away.
