There is a popular idea that we truly fall in love only a few times — and each of these romances leaves a mark for a lifetime. The theory of three loves explains why some relationships seem naive, others destructive, and why the third finally brings calm and a sense of home. We explore where this concept came from and how closely it aligns with reality.
What is the Theory of Three Loves
The theory is attributed to motivational speaker and coach Roxy Nafousi. She claims that every person experiences three key love experiences that come at different stages of life and serve their psychological function. These loves are not necessarily linked to three different people, but each is felt uniquely and shapes us as individuals.
According to this concept, there are three types of love: the first (naive and idealized), the intense (passionate and painful), and the unconditional (mature and stable).
First Love: A Feeling That Seems Eternal
First love usually occurs in adolescence or early youth. It is experienced very intensely, emotionally, and dramatically. During this period, it seems that feelings will last forever, and the partner is seen as the one and only.
However, such relationships rarely withstand the test of time. They often end due to trivialities, misunderstandings, or simply because people grow and change. First love is largely built on fantasies, external impressions, and societal expectations. We care about how the relationship looks from the outside rather than how compatible we truly are.
It is more a love for the image and the idea of the relationship than for the real person. But it teaches us the very fact of falling in love and provides the first emotional experience.
Main Lesson: even the strongest feelings do not always last forever.
Intense Love: Passion, Pain, and Growth
The second love is the most tumultuous and controversial. In this relationship, the focus shifts from the romantic picture to the specific person. The partner seems to be "the one," the love of a lifetime. There is a desire to change them — and at the same time, to change oneself to meet expectations.
Such relationships often expose inner vulnerabilities: fear of loneliness, jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity. The romance develops on the principle of emotional swings — from euphoria to deep crises. It is here that people most often lose themselves, endure what they are not ready to accept, and sacrifice personal boundaries.
A breakup after intense love can be experienced as a personal catastrophe. However, this experience often becomes a turning point: a person matures, learns to rely on themselves, and realizes their own needs.
Main Lesson: love is important, but it should not destroy you.
Unconditional Love: Maturity and Security
Having gone through illusions and painful attachments, a person becomes ready for the third type of relationship — calm and long-term. In unconditional love, the partner is not tried to be changed and is not idealized. They are accepted as they are, just as one accepts themselves.
In these relationships, there is no competition or drama for the sake of emotions. Conflicts are perceived not as a threat but as a task to be solved together. There is a sense of stability, trust, and choice — people stay together not out of fear of losing each other, but because they want to be close.
This is a love in which one can be oneself and feel support, rather than constant tension.
Main Lesson: relationships can be a place of safety, not struggle.
Does This Theory Actually Work?
The theory of three loves is not a scientific law, but for many, it surprisingly accurately reflects life experience. For some, all three stages occur sequentially with different partners. For others, it happens with one person, as the relationship transforms over time from the first to the third stage.
It can also happen that a person gets stuck in intense, painful scenarios for a long time before arriving at mature love — or chooses conscious solitude. Therefore, it is important to understand: the theory is not a manual or a mandatory script, but rather a convenient way to reflect on one’s path and the lessons learned from it.
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