When a Past Marriage Won't Let Go: What It Means to Be Friends with an Ex-Wife 0 13

A partner in marriage is a variable quantity. However, the status of being "ex" is forever. Those who build relationships with mature partners should understand this. Yet sometimes it becomes painfully upsetting to hear a spouse sweetly discussing something with their ex-wife over the phone, or even arranging a "meaningless" friendly meeting at a café. Is this a healthy situation, or is it better to break off relations with a man who cannot mentally part with his ex?

Clinical psychologist, sexologist Ekaterina Makarova explained whether you should worry if your long-term partner or already legal husband seems overly empathetic towards past marriages.

Oh, Those Exes

"You shouldn't be afraid of 'exes.' Each of us has 'exes' in our archives. But not every 'ex' is an unhealed wound, a headache, or a skeleton in the closet. If a couple has physically separated but the emotional relationship remains unresolved, there is an unfinished dialogue or a sense of unspoken words, then yes, the partner will look back there. And sometimes this happens internally, which does not make it easier for anyone in new relationships," says the expert.

Friendship after a breakup is a rare phenomenon. More often, we encounter behavior that is "out of spite," "in defiance," "what a relief that we broke up," and "cursed be the hour we met." If all these feelings are bubbling up, it’s better to work through this with a psychologist. You are not ready for new relationships; emotionally, you are still in the previous ones, no matter how much you might want the opposite. But we can be connected to our 'exes' not only by difficult unfinished dialogues but also by common children, real estate issues, or joint projects. In that case, interaction is necessary. The distance with which a person communicates with their 'ex' is solely a matter of their internal maturity.

Manipulating children, playing on pity, and drawing someone into communication through various tricks from 'exes' are only possible when a person is not confident in themselves.

Where Warm Feelings for an Ex-Wife Come From

What is this feeling of guilt, responsibility, the desire to care for and help 'exes'? These are some concessions related to an uncertain conviction in the correctness of one’s steps towards renewing their life and finding another partner. "Therefore, if your newly found partner has a weak spot related to 'exes,' it is not because the 'ex' is so cunning and calculating, but because the partner is not confident in themselves. Take a closer look at how you feel with a person who is constantly looking back and seeking approval, who does not know where to stop and how to protect their own boundaries?" advises the psychologist.

There is another reason for the 'pull' towards 'exes.' It is the feeling of stability and certainty that accompanied a person when they were in those relationships at their peak. After all, good things are better remembered. And in a period when the future is vague and unpredictable, nostalgia for relationships where everything is familiar, even the negatives, can create a false sense that feelings still remain and that the 'ex' is still somehow dear.

To Forgive or to Break Off

"Here is my advice. If you are dating someone who constantly talks about how they suffered in past relationships or often gets involved in the problems of their exes, consider whether you are ready to take on the role of a free psychologist and a friendly shoulder.

And if you are that person, who has one foot in the past and the other in a shaky, foggy future, think about this. The reasons that led to the end of past relationships have not gone anywhere, and the anxiety of uncertainty that you acquire along with freedom requires a certain resilience from you. Be confident in yourself; it’s worth it!" concludes Ekaterina Makarova.