Narcissists, manipulators, and abusers usually reveal themselves from the very first phrases.
He writes first, compliments pour in like a river, it seems — here it is, the match of your dreams. But a week goes by, and something inside us says: "Stop. Something is off here."
Familiar? The world of online dating is full of opportunities, but also risks. It is important to discern: where simply views do not align, and where you are facing a man whose relationship may bring more pain than joy.
Practicing psychotherapist, PhD in psychology Alena Slavyuk listed the main "red flags" in virtual communication with a potential suitor in a conversation with WomanHit.
1. He gets too close too quickly
"You are the one," "I can already feel you" — he writes just a couple of hours after meeting. Such rapid adoration speaks more of a deficit than of deep feelings. The man is not looking for you, but for an image of "salvation." In psychology, this is called projection: he sees his dreams in you, not a real person.
"Healthy closeness builds gradually. If you feel uncomfortable with this pressure — it’s a signal to protect your boundaries," warns the expert.
2. He disappears and reappears
Yesterday he was writing until late at night, today — silence. Then again, "Hi, beautiful."
Such a "swinging" style of communication often indicates an avoidant attachment style. He is afraid to get closer, so he alternates between approaching and pushing away.
If communication already resembles a roller coaster at the start — imagine what it will be like in a relationship!
3. He belittles or devalues
Phrases like: "Well, you are certainly pretty...", "Wow, you think so well for your age..." or "You are too smart for a girl..." This is not humor. These are microdoses of devaluation that can grow into systematic undermining of your self-esteem.
Remember that respect is the foundation of relationships. If it is absent in the correspondence, and you feel "jabs," it is unlikely to appear later in life.
4. He only talks about himself
"He wants to show off his car, business, travels, but he doesn’t ask you a single question. Psychologists call this narcissistic dynamics: the partner seeks admiration, not dialogue," explains Alena Slavyuk. Relationships are built where there is interest in you as a person, not just a stage for boasting and someone else's performance.
5. He immediately touches on intimate topics
Hints, requests for new photos, persistent questions even before you meet — a warning signal. Such a man is looking for not a relationship, but quick pleasures. And this is honest on his part, but it most likely does not align with your goal of finding a partner for closeness and respect.
The main marker of "unsuitability"
Even without relying on the above signs of potentially dangerous relationships for you and your psyche, you can determine that the person on the other side of the monitor or smartphone screen is not right for you. "Listen to yourself. Intuition and the body rarely make mistakes: if after correspondence you feel anxious, gloomy, or feel "small" — this is a sign. Real relationships start not with beautiful words, but with a sense of safety and acceptance, with care for you. Being honest with yourself means choosing not the one who "seems suitable," but the one with whom your soul feels at peace," concludes the psychotherapist.
And finally, a mini-test
Answer "yes" or "no" to each statement.
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Does he write to you in a way that makes you feel calm, not anxious?
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Do his words match his actions?
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Is there room in the correspondence not only for him but also for your stories?
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After communication, do you feel respect, not self-doubt?
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Does he show interest gradually, without pressure and ultimatums?
Results:
More "yes" → you are likely on the right path: you are facing a person with whom you can try to develop contact.
More "no" → pay attention: these may be the very alarming signals we talked about above.
