Why Family Holidays Are So Exhausting, Even If You Love Your Relatives: Psychologists' Opinion

If after a weekend with family your jaw is clenched and your head is pounding, we want to reassure you: this often happens even to those who have good relationships with their relatives.

Family is your closest people. However, let's be honest: often, meetings with relatives take a lot of energy.

Of course, if you have a bad relationship with your family, even an hour in such company can feel like an eternity. But why do family gatherings tire you out, even if you love your relatives very much? There are several reasons for this.

Why It’s So Hard

A large family is a complex mechanism, with each person having their own characteristics, behaviors, and values. And when you come to family holidays, you have to keep all this information in mind and manage your behavior accordingly.

There is another reason why weekends with relatives can drain you.

"Spending time with a large family essentially forces adults to revert to old family roles while simultaneously maintaining their current adult identity," explains licensed family therapist Erin Pash.

Let’s say you are raising children yourself, but to your parents, you remain their daughter or son. You might be the head of a large company, but to your grandmother, you are still her beloved grandson. The need to juggle such different roles is a challenging task for our psyche.

Moreover, family systems often harbor long-standing quarrels and grievances that can complicate interactions.

Relatives often do not treat each other very tactfully. This also creates tension.

Generational conflicts, disagreements about politics, religion, and views on life in general can exacerbate the situation. And what should be an ordinary family holiday turns into a real nightmare.

Warning Signs

Sometimes, time spent with relatives can be so exhausting that the body starts sending signals of burnout.

For example, pay attention if you continue to feel a strong sense of irritation for some time after gatherings. If you need a long time to recover after family meetings, that’s also a reason to think. Another common symptom is an inexplicable feeling of guilt or annoyance.

"Another sign is rumination, when you hear yourself replaying dialogues in your head or worrying about what might be said next," notes clinical psychologist and author Jenny Yip.

Experts also identify some physical signs that you are exhausted after family weekends. For example, if your jaws are clenched, you have digestive issues, headaches, or your sleep has worsened, writes Huffpost.

What to Do

You can choose not to refuse family gatherings while doing everything for your own well-being. Here are some tips to help you.

Don’t hesitate to politely but firmly defend your boundaries.
Take breaks if you feel yourself getting heated. Go for a walk, or retreat to a separate room.
Set aside time for quality recovery.
Anticipate which moments might cause you stress and try to minimize them. For example, if you regularly argue with your uncle when you travel in the same car, try to find another way to get there.
Stop the dialogue if tensions have risen to the limit and you feel ready to explode.
Be realistic: you won’t be able to fix all your relatives and reconcile those who have been feuding for years.
If you regularly have issues with a specific person, try to calmly talk to them privately and express your feelings and wishes.
Find compromise solutions. Perhaps you would feel more comfortable spending three days with relatives instead of five?