"What are we supposed to talk about? Everything has been said long ago. I already know what he will say. And we both get tired. We only have the strength to discuss household matters and stare at the TV." Many times, women tell psychologists that they only talk to their husbands about household matters. About children, their problems and tasks. And that’s it. This upsets and frightens women: is this really all that remains for two close people who have lived together for so many years? Is it really like this until the very end?
Expert - Yana Kataeva, Psychologist
Here he is, this man, so close. Familiar, known by heart. But there’s nothing to talk about. How can we bring lively conversations back into your family routine? A few simple tips in this article.
The Bitter Irony of Family Life
I love to watch couples and families in cafes. And here’s what I’ve noticed: often the conversation between husband and wife is very dry and fragmented. Very often, the communication at the table revolves around the child, making sure he eats well, doesn’t spill, doesn’t get dirty, behaves properly, and doesn’t break glasses… everything revolves around the child. And it’s extremely rare to see couples engaging in lively discussions with each other. By the way, I wonder what I would notice about your couple if I saw you in a cafe?
The bitter irony of family life is that we marry to be close, to care for each other and love one another, to continually discover the unique world of our beloved. Our beloved seems to us an amazing world, a whole universe that is so interesting to explore.
But years go by, children appear, and our husband transforms from a beloved into a “performing husband,” with all our expectations of this role and disappointments from those expectations. And we, accordingly, become the “performing wife.” And then we have nothing to talk about except the mundane, paperwork, and other family matters. It’s very sad.
To bring back lively conversations between you, to replace the ringing silence, you need to see in your husband not a performer of duties, but your beloved and interesting personality again.
What to Talk About with Your Husband?
I want to offer you several effective ways to start a conversation.
What did you talk about when your relationship began? Surely you could talk for hours. Please remember and write down five topics. Just recall and write them down. You don’t need to do anything else.
Interview your husband. I really enjoy interviewing my relatives and close ones. First of all, it’s fun. Secondly, interesting discoveries are always made. Games where you guess each other’s answers to questions, any questions, from funny to deep and existential, are also great. If your husband agrees to such a game, it will be wonderful, and you will surely have a great time and learn a lot of interesting things about each other.
Movies. Find time to watch quality thought-provoking movies with your husband that will be interesting to discuss later.
Books. What is your husband reading? What book has impressed him in the last year? Read it too. You will surely have an interesting discussion about it later.
Hug your husband, cuddle up to him, and don’t let go for a long time. This should be done more often.
What interests your husband? What is his interest? Suppose he is interested in politics, or history and ethnography, or sports, or something else… fishing? Learn more about it. Ask him questions, try to understand it better.
Share not only about your work or family matters or children, but also about your inner life, about that part of it that you are ready to share with him.
Ask your husband questions. Ask him: how’s your mood? Are you always thinking about the new project? Are you tired? Are you feeling sad? In fact, men often don’t understand what they feel, and don’t know much about their mood. Help him understand it.
Every day, try to touch your husband’s soul with your soul. After all, isn’t that much more important and valuable than fulfilling duties?
I am sure that one can possess this luxury in family life — the luxury of human communication, the greatest luxury on Earth, as Saint-Exupéry wrote.
