We often postpone joy for "later," as if we are afraid to pay for it. A psychotherapist explains why many people find it difficult to experience pleasure and what lies behind the habit of living without bright emotions.
Expert: Veronika Stepanova, psychotherapist
What is the Refusal of Joy
Anhedonia is a state in which a person loses the ability to experience pleasure. Unlike depression, the motivation here is different: the refusal of joy seems to be a way to protect oneself from loss and disappointment. "If you have no happiness, you have nothing to lose," notes Stepanova. This gives rise to the illusion of invulnerability.
How It Manifests
The Idea of Justice. It seems that one cannot be happy when others are suffering — after all, there is suffering and war in the world.
Deferred Pleasures. We buy things but do not use them, as if waiting for a "better time."
Unrealistic Expectations. Even on vacation, a person does not relax — anxiety prevents them from seeing the good and enjoying the moment.
What Lies Behind It
Threshold of Norm. Sometimes this is not pathology but a way to conserve emotions, but it is important to understand where the boundary lies between self-control and inner emptiness.
Price of Happiness. Anxiety creates the illusion of control: as long as things are bad, they cannot get worse. Therefore, joy seems dangerous.
Fear of Causing Envy. A joyless life becomes a defense — as long as we complain, we receive support and sympathy.
Victim Role. In dependent relationships, one partner may subconsciously keep the other in a state of depression to remain needed.
Why This Happens
Unpredictable Childhood. In families where parental love was replaced by punishment, children learned to be on guard, not allowing themselves to relax.
Deferred Happiness. If in childhood everything good was "saved for later," in adulthood a person continues to live by this script.
How to Reclaim Joy
Notice the moments when you block pleasant emotions. Allow yourself ten minutes of genuine joy — to smile, laugh, enjoy the taste of food, or watch a movie. Even a smile "through force" triggers the physiological processes of joy. Gradually increase the time spent in these states. Children know how to be joyful without reasons — and this is something we should learn from them.
