You don’t have a "financial cushion," you are constantly going into debt and making impulsive purchases that you later regret. It’s not that you can’t manage money, but that you are living by the wrong script. The good news: it can be rewritten.
Debt. This word can sound like interest on a loan. Or like an internal background of anxiety that you feel every time you open your banking app. But there is another kind of debt — to parents, to the past, to the inner voices that say, "Don’t ask," "It’s not yours," "You can’t do that."
Sometimes we live in financial deficit not because we can’t count, but because we can’t do otherwise. We can earn, but not hold on to it. We can save — and at the last moment spend everything. Or we might avoid contact with money altogether, as if it were something shameful, dirty, or foreign.
And then money stops being just a means of payment. It becomes an extension of our feelings: anxiety, guilt, the desire to be needed, the fear of being rejected. We spend to feel freedom. We don’t save — because inside we feel we don’t deserve it. We remain silent about money in relationships — not because we can’t, but because we fear conflict or judgment. There is no logic in these actions — but there is a story. Our story.
Family Financial Habits
Very often, behind every financial action lies an emotional necessity. Spending on loved ones to avoid feeling selfish. Refusing help to owe nothing to anyone. Keeping money for a "rainy day," not allowing oneself to use it. Not bringing up the salary issue because it’s scary to be "too demanding" or "it’s important to be agreeable."
Each of these decisions can reflect a long-standing dynamic — one in which money was not a neutral resource, but a field of power, shame, or love. That’s why the question: "Why do I treat it this way?" is not a question for the wallet, but for experience. And until we address this layer — no matter how many workshops we attend or apps we download — the scenario will repeat itself.
Financial habits do not grow from mathematics. They arise from phrases, glances, reactions, silence. A child does not distinguish finances from emotions. If money is a taboo in the family, they learn not to ask. If money is a source of quarrels, they internalize: it’s dangerous. If money was given "instead of" but not "for the sake of," they may remember: money is the only way to get attention.
The family attitude towards money is like climate: it is not always articulated, but it is always felt. A family may not experience poverty, but there may be constant tension: "What if there isn’t enough?" It seems no one says it out loud, but everyone spends with anxiety, and the child absorbs this. Or conversely: there is abundance in the house, but every gift is a way to alleviate guilt, and then money begins to be associated with manipulation.
There are families where finances mean control. You can hear: "If you behave well, we’ll buy it." And then the belief forms that material things are always given for behavior, love must be earned, and access to resources is a privilege, not a right. There are families where money means silence. They simply don’t talk. Neither about salaries, nor desires, nor difficulties. And then children grow up who don’t know how to ask questions, don’t know how to negotiate, don’t know how to voice the price of their work.
And there are families where money means fear. Where suddenly work disappears, support collapses, and the child feels: everything is shaky, there is no protection. In such families, adults often emerge who live "for a rainy day" and still cannot afford a vacation. Because inside it is still anxious, even if outside it is stable. The family is our first wallet. Only instead of bills, there are feelings.
Don’t Live by Someone Else’s Script
A script is an emotional template: who I am in the world of money, what I can do, and what is unsafe. For some, it sounds like: "It will all go away anyway," and the person does not save. For others: "I can’t spend on myself," and money goes to others. For some: "I need to buy it quickly before it’s taken away," and a pattern of emotional spending is formed.
The script operates even if you are not aware of it. Even if you have already grown up. Even if you earn more than your parents could ever imagine. The money script is a set of unconscious beliefs, feelings, and habits that activates every time you encounter money. Sometimes the script is an attempt to repeat the parental model to remain "loyal" to the system.
Even if it no longer works. Sometimes it is unconscious resistance: "I won’t be like them," but in the end, you still find yourself in a similar deficit, just with a different facade.
It is important to understand: the script is not the enemy. It is a mental adaptation. The problem is that the script remains even when the situation has long changed. It prevents you from acting like an adult because it still leads you along the route laid down in childhood. But the route can be changed.
Track Your Spending
Rewriting the money script is not a struggle with yourself, but an acquaintance. The first step on this path is observation. Just start noticing: in what situations do I react the same way? Where do I again spend "to zero"? Am I shy to ask? Do I postpone what I need but buy what I don’t need?
Then — naming. Feel the emotion that stands between you and your financial choice. It may not be fear of money — but fear of conflict. Not laziness to keep a budget — but shame to admit that there isn’t enough. After that, it is important to separate yourself from the script. This is not you — clumsy, weak, irresponsible. It is just old behavior that was once necessary.
The next step is finding a new formulation. For example, instead of "I can’t save," say "I can take small steps at my own pace." Instead of "If I ask, I won’t be loved," say "I have the right to my boundaries and needs."
And finally, action. Small, real, safe. State the amount. Keep the change. Set aside five hundred rubles and don’t touch it. Buy something just for yourself — and don’t justify it. Action reinforces a new neural pathway.
Financial maturity is not income. It is not when you buy a home. Not when you manage to save five hundred thousand. And not even when you start earning twice as much as before. Financial maturity is about your relationship with yourself in the context of money. Maturity is when money stops being a way to earn, hide, or simplify feelings.
It is when you can say: "I want," "I am willing to pay for this," "I won’t buy this: I have another priority," "I am saving — not because I am afraid, I am creating stability." Financial maturity is when money becomes a tool for care, not proof of your worth.
