This topic evokes internal protest for many and seems unfair. Since childhood, we believe in the ideal of mutual, equally strong love. But life, alas, rarely follows the script of romantic comedies. And as a practicing psychologist, I often see how choosing someone who loves a little more becomes not an act of desperation, but a wise decision for long-term female happiness and peace.
Psychologist Tatyana Makel explains why choosing a man who loves more is a strategically sound, not a desperate decision.
Let’s set aside prejudices and understand why this model often proves to be more advantageous.
1. Emotional Safety as a Foundation
Imagine a house. Your feelings are the roof, walls, and furniture. His feelings are the foundation. If the foundation is stronger and more reliable than what stands on it, the house will stand forever. You can afford to be different: tired, imperfect, weak, creative, capricious — knowing that your connection can withstand these fluctuations.
When you love more, you live on shaky ground. You are constantly anxious, afraid to say too much, to do something wrong, to appear unattractive. This state of chronic stress depletes your psyche and kills the very essence of close relationships — the ability to be yourself.
2. Power and Balance in Relationships
This ugly word “power” exists in any relationship. The one who loves less always holds more power. He sets the pace, determines the level of intimacy, and his attention becomes a reward.
By choosing a man who is in love with you, you voluntarily hand over this lever to yourself. This doesn’t mean you should manipulate it. It means you are in a safe position where you are valued, your opinion is respected, and your boundaries are not violated “for the sake of love.” You won’t walk on eggshells, fearing to lose him, because you know — he doesn’t want to lose you either.
Room for Personal Growth
When you don’t spend all your energy chasing someone’s attention, you free up a colossal resource. You can invest it in yourself: in your career, hobbies, self-development, friends, and family. You haven’t “neglected” yourself for the sake of the relationship; rather, you use these stable and reliable relationships as a springboard for growth. You remain a whole person, not a part of someone.
Realistic Assessment of Your Partner
When we are madly in love, we tend to idealize our partner. We overlook red flags, justify bad behavior, and see him through rose-colored glasses. By choosing someone who loves more, you are in a state of sober, clear-mindedness. You can realistically assess his strengths and weaknesses, his character, values, and life goals. You choose him consciously, not out of blind passion.
He Is Your Advocate, Not a Critic
A man who is truly in love sees a treasure in you. He is your biggest supporter. He backs your endeavors, takes pride in your successes, and comforts you in failures. With him, you flourish because you feel his genuine admiration. Otherwise, you will often face criticism, misunderstanding, and the feeling that you are “not good enough.”
So Is This Necessary?
And now the main question: is this a hard rule? No.
Blindly following this principle without regard for your own feelings is a mistake. Not feeling attraction, respect, and warmth for your partner at all is a dead end. Such a relationship will turn into a convenient but joyless deal, where he is the admirer, and you are the cold princess. This is unfair and cruel to him.
The key is not to feel no emotions at all, but to choose someone whose love for you leaves no doubt, and whose feelings you can mutually share from a state of emotional safety.
Any relationship is very individual in its nature and content. Perhaps for someone, the ideal formula is 70/30 or 60/40, where he gives a little more. Your task is not to suppress your feelings but to find someone whose love will be a reliable harbor for you, not a source of storm. This is a choice for stability, respect, and peace of mind, which can eventually grow into deep, conscious, and, most importantly, safe love.
