Being a parent of an adult child is certainly not the same as raising a toddler, a school-aged child, or even a teenager. Your child no longer needs to be taught to walk, fed with a spoon, or cared for during colds. However, this does not mean that they no longer need parents. It simply means that your relationship has naturally changed.
What to do if you can't find common ground with your grown children? Try to put into practice one of the tips from experienced psychotherapists. Even small changes can help take a step towards healthier and happier relationships with your children. This is noted by doctorpiter
Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice
Of course, you are older than your child and have more experience. And when your daughter or son shares their feelings or a problem, the temptation to share your opinion in response is great.
However, the time when you had to often make decisions for your child and protect them from obvious dangers is over. They have grown up — and do not always need guidance.
Psychotherapist Sarah Epstein recommends first asking your daughter or son the question: “Do you want my advice or do you just want to be heard?” People do not always need feedback. If a parent gives advice only when asked, communication will be warmer and more relaxed.
Believe in Your Child
Any adequate parent worries about their child, even if they have long since reached adulthood or even started their own family. According to psychologist David Narang, one of the main conditions for strong relationships with adult children is not to see oneself as the “savior of a helpless child.”
It’s great if you support your children, listen to them, and take an interest in their lives. However, sometimes mothers and fathers worry too much about their child’s difficulties. They may interfere in their lives, get into conflicts, and ultimately cause even more anxiety and distress.
Your confidence in your child’s ability to cope with difficulties will give them support and the opportunity to gather themselves.
Don’t Look for Blame
If there are already problems in the relationship, don’t try to blame yourself or your child. The problem already exists, and mutual accusations can only worsen the situation.
Mental health consultant Tracy Vadakumchery advises turning blame into responsibility for the future of your relationship.
Focus on what will truly help restore mutual understanding. Sincere conversations and apologies for the pain caused will help re-establish contact.
Check Your Relationship
What if you don’t have an obvious conflict with your child, but the relationship still feels cold? You might think that since no direct accusations have been made, everything is automatically fine.
The only way to understand what is really happening in the relationship is through honest dialogue. Try asking your child: does your interaction with them feel comfortable? Do they enjoy how you usually spend time together?
A mutual exchange of opinions will help adjust behavior if necessary and improve communication.
Don’t Devalue Emotions
If your child recalls something traumatic from their childhood, don’t say to them: “That didn’t happen, you’re making it up” or “Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.”
It’s possible that their memory is indeed failing them. They may have interpreted certain events in their own way. It’s quite likely that you won’t understand why certain words affected them. However, devaluation will only discourage your son or daughter from sharing something personal in the future.
Focus not on the details, but on the emotions your child experienced. Try to figure out together why they felt anxiety or fear.
Respect Personal Boundaries
Your child has the right to personal boundaries. For example, they may not want to discuss certain topics with you. Or they may ask you to call before you decide to visit.
Don’t be outraged and say, “How can you not let your own mother in?!” It’s better to listen to their request. You can even praise your child for standing up for their interests, writes Huffpost.
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