Why Parents Shouldn't Be Friends with Their Children 0 82

Children Need Parents

Earlier, we published a column by Anastasia Kokojeva, who examined the friendship between parents and children from both sides. In her story, she demonstrated the correctness of psychologists who argue that adults who become friends with their children deprive them of parents.

In this article, we will discuss what friendship is, why parents want to be friends with their children, and what this can lead to.

What is Friendship?

According to psychologist and psychotherapist Alena Sinkevich, friendship implies "equal relationships built on mutual interest, respect, and a sense of responsibility for each other."

This means that friendship is only possible between equal partners who are not materially or psychologically dependent on each other.

Moreover, a friend is a person from the outside world who appears in our lives episodically, and at any moment our paths may diverge. We perceive this as a given.

In the case of parent-child relationships, such a situation is impossible. Even if a child has hurt us deeply, they still remain our child, and we cannot boycott them or refuse to care for them.

How Are Relationships Structured in a Family?

In a family, a strict hierarchy is usually observed: adults take on the role of leaders, and children obey. Each family member has their own role and responsibilities. Parents care for their children, meet their needs, provide education, protect them, and help in difficult situations. Children grow up, listen to their parents, and learn to live in society.

For younger family members, it is especially important that the system works properly and that there are no distortions.

A child of any age needs a strong and responsible parent to rely on, who will not demand equivalent physical and emotional support in return.

Thus, parent-child relationships are mostly a one-way street. And it should be that way. Under any circumstances, children must remain children, and parents must remain parents.

As the child grows, they take on more responsibilities, and their area of responsibility expands. Psychologists believe that friendship between children and parents is only possible when children grow up, begin to live independently, and are not financially dependent on their relatives.

Why Do Parents Want to Be Friends with Their Children?

Often, parents find it beneficial to be friends with their children, as such relationships allow them to meet their own needs.

The Desire to Control the Child

It is most convenient to do this when the child shares all their secrets with the adult, and the parent involved in the child's personal life helps them make decisions and guides them in the right direction.

The Fear of Being Abandoned

In this case, the parent views friendship as a guarantee of close trusting relationships with the child in the future.

The Desire to Feel Young

When communicating as equals, an illusion is created that the adult lives in the same realities as the child and therefore understands them well.

A Lack of Communication

The parent becomes accustomed to an isolated life or consciously limits their circle of communication to family members and views the child as their confidant.

What Mistakes Do Adults Make When Perceiving Children as Friends?

Adults may violate children's personal boundaries by demanding complete openness from them, as "friends have no secrets."

They may perceive children as emotional partners, pouring their negative emotions, experiences, and regrets onto them, which small children and teenagers cannot handle.

Adults may also ask children for help or advice in making important life decisions regarding family dynamics and relationships with spouses, thereby placing excessive responsibility on children that they are not yet ready for.

Using friendship as a way to control children, playing on their fear of disappointing parents and damaging relationships with them, is also a mistake.

Social psychologist and head of the charitable foundation "Shalash" Lilia Brainis believes that communicating with a child as an equal is unsafe for the latter, as in most cases there is a risk that they will encounter incomprehensible feelings that may traumatize them.

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What Are the Consequences of Friendship Between Children and Parents?

In striving to immerse themselves in their children's lives, to understand their experiences, and sometimes being overly candid with them, parents do not notice how they limit their children's independence and try to make them solve problems that are not appropriate for their age.

Disobedience and Rejection of Parental Authority

By communicating with parents as equals, children do not feel their authority and see no reason to obey their demands. Meanwhile, according to psychologist Lisa Damour, children of any age need discipline more than love.

Despite the fact that teenagers actively resist parental rules, in a situation of permissiveness and lack of restrictions, they experience increased anxiety and worry.

Violation of Personal Boundaries

Psychoanalyst Alexander Uskov emphasizes that parents should not demand that their children share everything that happens in their lives. Moreover, it is very important for children (especially teenagers) to have their own secrets, and adults must accept this and respect it (and also learn to knock on the door before entering the child's room).

Refusal of Independence

Parents who cannot accept that their children have a personal life and try to "bind" them to themselves through "friendship" hinder them from growing up, becoming independent, and building relationships with peers. "Children who are friends with their parents find it difficult to make independent decisions: they first need to discuss everything with mom and dad and get their approval," explains psychologist Olga Nekrasova.

Blocking Negative Emotions

Children often feel angry at their parents, and this is normal. It is important for them to have the opportunity to openly express their negative emotions without risking their relationships with their parents.

If the adult positions themselves as a friend, children may develop an irrational fear of doing something wrong, which will lead to losing friendship with the parent. To prevent this from happening, instead of letting out negative emotions and relieving tension, children may prefer to block these feelings, continuing to accumulate them inside.

Inability to Handle Conflicts

Research by Jessica Miller in 2002 showed that children growing up with liberal parents who prefer to be friends rather than raise their children are more likely to get into conflict situations and handle them poorly, including rushing to use force.

Excessive Responsibility

Another study revealed that children experience significant stress when parents share their worries with them, such as financial difficulties or personal life problems. Moreover, excessive candor does not help parents get closer to their children; rather, it shifts an unbearable burden of responsibility onto fragile children's shoulders.

What Should the Relationship Between Children and Parents Be Like?

Undoubtedly, it is important to form good trusting relationships with children, but at the same time, one should not forget about parental duties, respect for the boundaries of each family member, and discipline.

According to psychologist Anna Skavitina, warm, friendly relationships in the family can be achieved when parents maintain their authority without resorting to violence and try to negotiate with their children, listening to their opinions but making decisions based on their own experience.

It is normal for a parent to be strict and even annoy their children while providing them with everything they need, whether it be food, clothing, or support and care. According to the children themselves, parents cannot become their friends anyway because they are much more important and closer to them.

In any case, a child is not your psychologist, parent, or friend. You cannot build communication with a child as equals due to the difference in experience, age, and perception. Do not burden them with your feelings, do not share your responsibilities with them.

Be parents — it’s great, even if it’s difficult!