Being Nice Is a Trap: 7 Mistakes That Destroy Your Personal Boundaries 0 8

According to the Gallup Institute, more than 75% of workers worldwide face emotional burnout. One of the key factors contributing to this condition is the violation of personal boundaries. Our expert, business psychologist Yulia Kulikova-Tsai, explained what behavioral mistakes allow others to take advantage of you and how to stop being the "nice" colleague.

Why We Become "Nice"

American vulnerability researcher Brené Brown says, "When we try to be good for everyone, we stop being real for ourselves." It is important to understand that "niceness" is not a character trait. It is an adaptive mechanism that forms in childhood. Most often, people are "loved" for being obedient. As adults, they carry this pattern into work relationships: "If I am good, I will not be rejected."

Another reason is chronic stress. In such a state, the activity of the prefrontal cortex (the center of self-regulation) in the brain decreases, making a person more susceptible to pressure. The more tired you are, the harder it is for you to refuse a request.

7 Mistakes That Destroy Your Personal Boundaries

Mistake #1: Confusing Responsiveness with Submission

How do you react to a request that contradicts your tasks, interests, or beliefs? For example, making a presentation for everyone to avoid letting the team down and then struggling with insomnia and irritability for a long time?

A "nice" employee will still do it — going against themselves, not out of a desire to help, but out of fear of appearing not to be a team player. Remember that behind responsiveness lies your choice, while behind submission lies your fear.

Mistake #2: Agreeing to Help "Just for a Minute"

Let’s be honest: you know right away that it won't just be a minute. This is a classic office dependency that hides hours of someone else's work. The situation where you drop everything to solve someone else's tasks just to feel needed has already been termed the "rescuer syndrome" in psychology. Just one caveat: while saving others, you may end up drowning yourself.

Mistake #3: Ignoring Signals of Fatigue

Chronic tension, irritability, apathy — these are not normal work states, but emotional exhaustion that destroys cognitive functions and self-esteem. For example, if you postpone your vacation three times, believing that everything will collapse without you, you will eventually collapse yourself — with panic attacks and insomnia. Recovering from such a breakdown will take a long time.

Mistake #4: Avoiding Conflicts and Disagreements

Many operate on the principle: it’s better to do it once than to explain why not. But let’s start with the fact that passive agreement is also a conflict, just postponed for a while. A mature position is not to avoid disagreements but to discuss them calmly.

The phrase "I have a different priority right now, let’s discuss this later" sounds not aggressive but mature. Remember that your boundaries are not a solid wall, but a filter through which you sift out the unnecessary.

Mistake #5: Believing That Loyalty Will Be Rewarded

"If I try hard, I will be noticed" — this myth has undermined many. In reality, those who agree to everything are not seen as leaders but as people without those very filters. Those who know how to set boundaries are noticed, which means they possess mature loyalty, that is, commitment to the cause, but without self-sacrifice.

Mistake #6: Not Setting Boundaries in Communication

Responding to colleagues in messengers at night, work calls on weekends — all this creates a culture of constant availability. And this, in turn, is a direct path to burnout. Some companies are already implementing "digital silence" — hours of quiet without notifications. If your colleagues do not adhere to this, create your own boundaries: your free time needs to be respected.

Mistake #7: Taking Responsibility for Others' Emotions

"Nice" employees feel guilty if someone is upset after their refusal. But you cannot be responsible for the emotions of another adult. Remember: taking on someone else's guilt means automatically agreeing to emotional burnout.

How to Stop Being "Nice" — 5 Tips from the Expert

• Take a pause before agreeing. The phrase "Let me think" is a sign of maturity, not weakness.

• Come up with a shield phrase for yourself. For example, "I am not ready to deal with this right now/I have other tasks, but I can get involved later."

• Rely on your own values. Refuse actions that contradict your principles.

• Listen to your body. Tension, fatigue, irritability — indicators of boundary violations.

• Discuss the rules. "I can help, but on the condition that..." After the first such conversation, "exploitation" usually stops.