Pretended, suffered in silence? A sexologist reveals women's intimate secrets 0 15

Try to remember what your thoughts were during your last intimate moment. If they wandered far from your partner, give yourself a mental plus. Another plus if you experienced pain but chose to remain silent. If you simulated an orgasm – that's bingo, and know that you are far from alone in this.

Psychologist-sexologist Alexandra Demina answered eight of the most "forbidden" and uncomfortable questions that concern many women. These topics range from irritation at a partner's touch to thoughts about seeking a new lover. Instead of the banal "it's normal," the expert deeply explains the reasons for such experiences and offers specific ways to relieve suffering. Get ready for an engaging read that, we promise, will not cause you a shred of shame.

Question 1. I really love my boyfriend (I can’t live without him), but I get annoyed when he touches me in a certain way, and I find sex boring. Does this mean something is wrong with me, or has our love died?

You are absolutely fine, and so is your partner. This situation simply indicates that it’s time to openly discuss your intimate scenario. We often mistakenly believe that if there is love, partners should understand each other without words.

However, even psychics cannot read other people's minds, let alone ordinary people. If something bothers you, don’t hesitate to say it directly or hint non-verbally: with a look, body movement, a moan, or the absence of one.

There is a wonderful technique called "hand on hand." You place your palm on your partner's hand and thus guide their movements across your body. This allows you to show which areas bring more pleasure, which are neutral, and which cause discomfort.

Try discussing what you have long wanted to try in bed but have postponed for some reason. Perhaps now is the perfect time for such experiments.

Question 2. Is it normal that I get aroused by thoughts of situations that I would consider humiliating in real life? I hate myself afterward.

Yes, this is completely normal. Fantasies about "forbidden" or "humiliating" scenarios are one of the most common ways to get aroused, especially among women. In a sexual context, the brain shuts down critical thinking and actively responds to novelty, risk, and breaking taboos.

This is pure neurophysiology, not a true reflection of your real desires or self-esteem. Self-hatred arises from an internal conflict between your "safe self," which values dignity and control, and your "sexual self," which seeks thrills.

You are not seeking real humiliation; you are aroused by the violation of taboo and the removal of social masks. This is not masochism as a disorder if your fantasies do not lead to unsafe actions without consent. So stop evaluating your fantasies from a moral standpoint.

Accept as a fact: what excites you in your head and what you would allow in reality are completely different things. If feelings of guilt are hindering your life, try consciously stating after a fantasy: "This is a game of neurotransmitters; my personality has nothing to do with it."

You should only consult a sexologist if you start physically punishing yourself, cannot enjoy without humiliating thoughts, or have begun to enact dangerous scenarios without real consent.

Question 3. I have great sex and trust with my partner, but I masturbate to exes, colleagues, even famous actors. Several times a week for sure. Can this be considered a micro-infidelity, and should I confess to avoid hurting him?

Let’s start by saying that we don’t blame ourselves for the dreams we have. Similarly, what happens in your fantasies is absolutely normal. Of course, provided that they remain just fantasies and are not enacted in reality.

Ask yourself a few important questions: What is the purpose of confessing these fantasies? What goal do you want to achieve with this confession? Perhaps what you are "playing out" in your thoughts is something you would like to bring into partnered sex?

Or maybe there is something in the images of "exes, colleagues, actors" that your real partner lacks? Or you simply don’t notice it in everyday life?

Question 4. I have been in pain during penetration for six months, but I remain silent and endure because I fear my husband will leave for a "normal" woman. How do I tell him that it’s not "I don’t want him," but a physical problem, without damaging his self-esteem?

I strongly recommend that you see a gynecologist to rule out any possible health issues. Pain should never be endured. It’s likely that the initiative in sex often comes from your husband, and you simply don’t have time to feel desire and arousal.

Accordingly, your body is not ready to respond to touches and gives such a "rejecting" reaction – pain. In the long term, the strategy of "I remain silent and endure" inevitably leads to decreased motivation for sex, a drop in libido, and anorgasmia, that is, the inability to experience orgasm.

You probably do not aspire to such an outcome. As for the second part of your question: if you don’t know how to start this delicate conversation, refer to the gynecologist's recommendation about the need for sexual rest.

During this "pause," use the "I-statements" technique to convey to your partner your desire to improve your intimate life. Honesty always strengthens marital relationships. Unspoken grievances and hidden resentments do not fuel desire.

Question 5. After a serious illness, I lost all interest in sex. But I want to want! What should I do next?

It’s likely that the illness you experienced was serious enough to take a lot of energy to restore normal body functioning. Illness affects all areas of life, including sexual.

Here, a bit of theory is appropriate. In the 70s and 80s of the last century, domestic neurologist G.S. Vasilchenko developed the concept of sexual constitution, which remains relevant today. Sexual constitution is a set of biological characteristics of the body.

They are formed under the influence of hereditary factors and developmental conditions during prenatal formation and early childhood. This constitution determines the level of sexual need, the limit of sexual activity, and resilience to negative influences on the sexual sphere.

In simpler terms, depending on your sexual constitution, you will not only experience sexual desire more or less frequently but also find it easier or harder to restore libido after illness. Give yourself enough time for full recovery.

However, don’t waste this time. Our erotic reactivity responds not only to direct sexual stimuli. This "muscle" also "works out" thanks to context: romantic atmosphere, tenderness, hugs, and touches, and it doesn’t necessarily have to lead to sex.

Think about what brings you joy and true pleasure? Try to incorporate these pleasant moments into your daily routine, even if just a little. Believe me, these small investments in restoring your libido will surely bear worthy fruit.

Question 6. I am so irritated by the sounds of my body during sex (slurping, creaking, stomach growling) that I can’t relax. Is this normal disgust or an anxiety disorder?

This is not disgust or an anxiety disorder, but rather a perfectly normal social anxiety caused by the fear of judgment from your partner. A disgusted person feels aversion to other people's sounds, while you fear the reaction to your own.

This is a manifestation of perfectionism and hyper-control, not pathology. The problem lies not in the sounds themselves but in the fact that you evaluate yourself during sex instead of fully relaxing. However, if the fear of sounds causes you to avoid intimacy, freeze, or constantly check your body before and during sex, and arousal completely disappears – this is already an anxiety symptom.

In that case, it’s worth consulting a sexologist or CBT therapist. In other situations, it’s just an unpleasant but completely reversible hindrance. What you can do right now: tell your partner, "I’m embarrassed by the sounds of my body; does it bother you?"

In 99% of cases, the answer will be: "I didn’t notice anything." Or try playing music during intimacy. When the sound appears, intentionally wish yourself: "growl louder" – it’s paradoxical, but it effectively alleviates anxiety. Usually, that’s enough.

Question 7. We have been together for 10 years, and I have probably been fantasizing about sex on the side for about 3 of them, not because I need another person, but because I want thrills and novelty. Is this the end of love or a natural stage that can be endured without infidelity?

What you are describing is experienced by many couples who have been together for long and happy years. This is definitely not the end of love, but rather a new chapter. Your feelings have matured and ripened; you know each other well, and the need for security in your relationship is fully satisfied.

By the way, this is a crucial aspect of quality sexual relationships. However, our brains are structured in such a way that, besides stability, they crave novelty. Therefore, your fantasies are quite natural, of course, as long as they remain just fantasies and do not threaten to harm your relationship.

So what should loving partners do? Bring novelty through open discussions of desires with your partner. Introduce new elements; it can be something small: an accessory or a wig, explore new locations.

Sometimes it’s enough just to organize a date, temporarily putting aside worries about household and children, to see each other again as a man and a woman, not just as parents. With the help of a specialist, you can diagnose your and your partner's sexual contexts and elevate your intimate relationship to a completely new level.

It’s possible that fantasies about others are caused by the fact that your current partner lacks something. And this is not necessarily about the intimate side, but rather about the "relational" part. Unspoken grievances and hidden resentments do not fuel desire.

It’s worth finding the strength to openly discuss this. I’m sure that thanks to an honest conversation, your close relationship will become even deeper and more sincere.

Question 8. I don’t orgasm when he penetrates me, and I have been faking it for 5 years. I’m afraid to confess because it will destroy his self-esteem. How do I stop lying without ruining the relationship with the truth?

The first question to clarify: do you experience orgasm during clitoral stimulation? If the answer is yes, then I have great news for you: you can very well experience orgasm during penetration.

Look up the classic "Bridge" technique online and try it first on your own, and then in partnered sex. Your orgasm is not a medal on your partner's chest; it is your personal responsibility. It depends on many factors, from emotional readiness to whether your feet are cold.

From a biological standpoint, orgasm is the very stimulus that encourages us to engage in sex again and again. If you do not achieve orgasm, over time, your motivation for these activities will steadily decrease. As for the question of "how to stop lying," the answer lies in the question itself: just stop doing it.

I understand your anxiety; indeed, your partner may perceive your confession as a betrayal. However, instead of being blunt, try, without saying anything directly, to stop "faking orgasm" non-verbally. That is, don’t do the things you usually do in this situation.

If your partner asks a direct question, respond in the spirit of: "I didn’t manage it today" or "my mood got in the way." I repeat, in matters of intimacy, each of us is quite vulnerable, so it’s worth discussing this using the most delicate phrasing possible. But it is definitely necessary to talk about it.