In recent years, many terms have emerged in psychology and pop culture to describe the difficulties of building intimacy. One of them is 'choice paralysis'. It hinders decision-making, enjoying relationships, and moving forward. Let's explore what it is, why it occurs, and how to deal with it.
What is 'choice paralysis'
Psychologists use the term 'choice paralysis' to describe a state of stress and inaction that arises from an abundance of options. In the context of romantic relationships, it manifests as an inability to make a final choice and commit to one partner due to the fear of missing out on someone 'better'.
A person constantly doubts: "What if I meet someone more suitable?" "Is this really the right choice?"
These thoughts hinder the enjoyment of current relationships and their development.
Why does 'choice paralysis' occur?
Abundance of options
American psychologist Barry Schwartz wrote in his book "The Paradox of Choice" that excessive freedom of choice increases anxiety. While people used to choose partners from their immediate surroundings, today the internet and dating apps create the illusion of infinite choice.
FOMO — fear of missing out
Even in stable relationships, a person may feel anxious that there is a more interesting or attractive partner somewhere. This prevents emotional engagement and building intimacy.
Fear of commitment
Serious relationships imply giving up other life scenarios. For some, this triggers a strong internal fear — as if choosing one path means losing all others.
Fear of making a mistake and rejection
The fear of making the 'wrong' choice and experiencing pain in the future can lead to a complete refusal to make decisions.
Toxic perfectionism
When there is a rigid list of requirements for the 'ideal partner' in one’s mind, a real person will almost always disappoint. As a result, the search continues endlessly.
How does 'choice paralysis' manifest?
For those who are not in a relationship:
- hours spent on dating apps without real meetings;
- simultaneous communication with multiple people without the intention of choosing one;
- viewing partners as a 'set of characteristics' rather than as living individuals.
For those who are already in a relationship:
- emotional closedness and distance;
- constant comparisons of the partner with other people or ideals;
- self-sabotage and provoking conflicts;
- postponing discussions about marriage, a shared future, and children.
In arguments, phrases like: "The other person wouldn’t have done that" or "I envisioned the relationship differently" are often heard.
How to overcome 'choice paralysis' in relationships
Stop being a 'maximizer' and become a 'satisficer'
Barry Schwartz suggests abandoning the pursuit of the ideal and adopting a 'good enough' approach. It is helpful to identify 3–5 key values that are truly important in a partner and rely on them.
Consciously limit choice
Endless scrolling through profiles increases anxiety. It is important to implement digital hygiene: delete dating apps or limit their use, for example, to 30 minutes a day.
Work through deep fears
Ask yourself the question: "What am I really afraid of?" This may be the fear of repeating others' mistakes, being betrayed, or losing freedom. If it is difficult to sort through on your own, it is worth consulting a psychologist.
Accept the inevitability of risk
Any relationship carries the risk of pain and disappointment. Recognizing this helps stop waiting for the perfect moment or person and start living in the here and now.
Choice paralysis is not a sentence. Awareness, honesty with oneself, and the willingness to make choices allow one to turn anxiety into a point of growth and build truly vibrant relationships.
Leave a comment